I'm in this season of life of feeling very undeserving. I also struggle with this notion of having expectations on people and things in this life. After singing this song at church today, it seemed to be almost the answer to my heart:
"Why should I gain from his reward? I do not have an answer. But this I know with all my heart. His wounds have paid my ransom."
I know my reservations of having expectations on people and things in this life has rooted from being hurt or let down in the past. We can't put our faith in people because we are all sinners and we ALL fall short and constantly disappoint each other and ourselves. But we do need to hold our Christian brothers and sisters at a higher standard. Sometimes I think I am holding my brothers and sisters , and myself at too high of standard. I guess what I struggle with is not having this feeling of judgement when my Christian brothers and sisters fall short of that standard or an intense feeling of guilt when I fall short. How do we instead act prayerful and approach them in love with what we are disappointed with. That's what Jesus would simply do. But our human nature seems to automatically go into this mode of judgement upon them. It is not our job or responsibility to do this. It's frustrating for me. I think where I've gotten myself is when I put people up on pedestals (i.e. pastors, friends, family, politicians, people in leadership, etc.). Jesus chose His disciples to follow him and and more importantly spread His good news, and we see that even they fell short. Jesus knew they would fall short, but he did hold them to a standard and had expectations of them upon choosing them in the role of a disciple. We need to take up our cross... and follow Jesus... no one else.. just Jesus. I think this is going to be a constant battle in our walks.
I want to be able to trust others. But I also want to be so careful that I never put another human being over my relationship with Jesus. I find my security in Him. I have Christ and that is ALL I need- I am not entitled to anything else in this world. But as Americans, we really do feel like we deserve so much "The American Dream." Is the American Dream biblical?
I'm having lots of random thoughts. More importantly, I'm hungry for intense community. I need to be better about asking people more intentional questions. I realized today that I do not know the stories of the girls in my bible study. I don't know their biggest struggles. I don't know how they met Christ. I don't know all their gifts. What the heck am I doing. We are with our Christian brothers and sisters daily, but do we even truly know them? Why don't we let people in? Who truly knows us? Is it enough knowing that only God truly knows us- or do we need to be truly known by those in our community? What does it mean to be truly known by someone. I have this picture of Adam and Eve stripped naked in the Garden of Eden. Isn't that our worst fear? Standing before each other with all our imperfections, insecurities, and secrets revealed. Wow, how different life would be if we literally wore our hearts on our sleeves. I agree that it takes time to form an intense community. But I feel like I need to be more proactive, more intentional in order to get there- because if I keep living my life like this, I'm not sure I will ever get there.
I will pray for boldness in that, but in the meantime... I will rest in this:
"Why should I gain from his reward? I do not have an answer. But this I know with all my heart. His wounds have paid my ransom."
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